Great Great Great Uncle Bill?

Last Sunday, an anonymous caller rang up WHPA-13's tip line. During our lengthy chat, she recalled bits of local lore both picayune and impressive. The Legend of Great, Great, Great Uncle Bill did arise out of her rambling recollections.

Uncle Bill was interred in Fairhaven's Pine Street Cemetery around a century ago. His full Christian name, pertinent dates, and epitaph have eroded from his tombstone due to its use as a urinal backsplash, due to the belief that pissing on the man's grave imparts both luck in athletic competitions and sexual conquests. With a fair degree of confidence, we can assume this belief is rooted in a spite I shall explain.

You see, Uncle Bill was a sort of Ur Pick-Up Artist in his day, but more charming and less malicious. Let's call him a local Lothario, a selfish fellow who serviced widows, spinsters, ingénues, strangers, strays, confirmed bachelors, and the occasional married lady or husband whose needs were not being met. By all accounts, he accidentally fathered more than a few children in Fairhaven, giving a genetic cast to the town's subsequent generations and the rise of outsiders commenting on the "Fairhaven Look." Put another way, Fairhaven family trees' branchings earnestly etched in so many old Bibles do not accurately record the budding, flowering, and fruiting of this town's established ménages.

I can add a bit more to this local lore, whether to our collective aid or detriment I do not know...

While my people obsesses over genealogical matters, I do not share this familial quirk in spite of being their much prophesied "Seventh Son Of A Seventh Son Of A Gun."

The Robertson Family, those kinfolk of mine, hold a secret belief in an avuncular necromancy that might be worked by the Great, Great, Great Niece or Nephew of a Great, Great, Great Uncle.

Let's not fuss over the wilder maths of my kinfolks' numerology, but this necromancy basically works through a relic conduit. Say, if this Niece or Nephew had a tooth from their Great, Great, Great Uncle or his prized, silver-capped bull pizzle walking stick, then said Uncle might offer them genuine prognostications, beneficial advice, or hardly-helpful bromides via some necromantic visitation.

Even if you're not the Great, Great, Great Niece or Nephew of randy ol' Bill, you might consider seeking out Fourth Cousins who are the Great, Great, Great Niece or Nephew of Bill. They could work the aforementioned necromancy, provided they had the right relic. Should you be of dubious moral character, then you, too, could gain access to the wisdom of Bill, provided you had the right relic... and had lain (in the Biblical sense) at least once with a Fourth Cousin who was the Great, Great, Great Niece or Nephew of Great, Great, Great Uncle Bill.

Fourth Cousins are distant relatives, but ick. C'mon. Gettin' jiggy with someone because they're your Fourth Cousin seems incestuous by intention. There's a reason this kind of stuff is called "Necromancy, Most Foul," y'all.