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Post by bubba on Dec 13, 2022 8:48:13 GMT -4
Robert Bertram Robertson VII, R.N. a.k.a. Bubba, Bubba Bobby, Bert-Bert, “Seventh Son Of A Seventh Son Of A Gun”
Secondhand Opinions Thursdays 6pm Holistic Medicine call-in show featuring an ex-hospice care nurse and a former county medical examiner. In addition to discussing medical issues, the pair address the physiological, pharmaceutical, familial, societal, environmental, preternatural, and supernatural aspects of callers’ health and well-being.
The Zodiactors! Tuesdays 3pm Fairhaven High School theatre students and local thespians perform twelve improvised skits prompted by horoscopes fresh off of the Fairhaven Alternative Daily presses.
Troubles: Various medical licensing bodies, a cabal of oneiromancers who are asleep on the job, and semi-lucrative caretaking for a precognitive MKUltra veteran with superhero delusions.
Affable bedside manner with good bedhead hair.
A “what the FDA and DEA don’t know won’t get me arrested” knack for alchemy.
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Post by bubba on Jan 30, 2023 9:13:38 GMT -4
Join us in-studio this Thursday for a Special Surprise Guest who will prepare & serve edible insects. Doc Christophoros will discuss the health benefits of switching to an insect-based diet, moreover will show how there's really nothing to fear from eating bugs by swallowing the dread Shab-al-Hiri Roach.
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Post by Theo AKA the Chamomile Kid on Jan 30, 2023 20:23:35 GMT -4
My brother-in-law had a fancy spread of different cheeses from that meat place out at the mall and said one of them was made from insects, and well I’ll try anything twice. It wasn’t too bad. A little dry maybe but that’s what the wine’s for I suppose.
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Post by bubba on Feb 1, 2023 21:35:34 GMT -4
Ted, have you heard-tell of Empoasca onukii? That's the lil' green leafhopper whose nibbling stresses tea plants into producing Oriental Beauty, a much prized & very expensive Taiwanese “bug-bitten” wulong tea. Well, Doc Christophoros swears he has an ol' Twinings tin packed to the brim with a similar tea harvested from the hills and dales at the foot of the Plateau of Leng. To hear Doc tell it, imbibing an infusion of this tea " causes the scales to fall from your eyes, revealing those gawtdamn pitbull-sized bugs that nibbled the tea. They are phantasmagoric, spectral. They want to enter your head to taste what you taste, to compel you to binge yourself into a gut-splitting gluttony."
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Post by Theo AKA the Chamomile Kid on Feb 1, 2023 22:50:28 GMT -4
I can’t say I have heard of the tea or the bugs. Fascinating though! I have to admit, I’m not sure I’m ready to have big insect voices in my head, what with all the other ones already in there. Perhaps I could just have some to sit next to all the other teas I probably won’t drink anytime soon like that especially smoky Lapsang Souchong the one camera operator, Mr. Ha brought me back from his trip to Hong Kong.
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Post by bubba on Feb 6, 2023 8:36:10 GMT -4
Theodore, I would like to thank you again for slipping into the Special Surprise Guest role for Secondhand Opinions when our scheduled guest failed to arrive.
We can only imagine, alas, a wonderful discourse with Doctor Bettina Uma Guffman, Ph.D. Entomology, M.S. Nutrition Science, and, of late, an Associate Professor of Archaeology at Pemberton University. Obviously, there is an ongoing investigation into that poor lady's demise. Campus police remain baffled by both her rather spontaneous defenestration as well as her final words. Whilst plummeting, she wailed the ancient Sumerian, "ŠAÐULLA ŠADINIREENE DIRIG!", translated by a bystander to mean: "It is the secret will of the gods that you should overflow with joy!"
Given her tragic end shortly before WHPA-13 airtime, Dr. Guffman would have kept our Secondhand Opinions crew waiting for an eternity.
Anyhow, Theodore, your depth of knowledge about honey, that regurgitant o' busy bees, really carried what was slated to bee our bug-based-diet episode. Even though you no longer adulterate your precious teas with those golden sweeteners, your encyclopedic knowledge of'em could fool anyone that you regularly stir honey into your infusions. Doc Christophoros and I appreciate your interview with us, which is now all the buzz of Fairhaven and worldwide Bulletin Board Systems (BBS)!
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Post by bubba on Feb 17, 2023 9:07:58 GMT -4
Last evening's installment of Secondhand Opinions was not our worst, but certainly not our best. We will aim to do better in the future.
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Post by Theo AKA the Chamomile Kid on Feb 23, 2023 22:00:07 GMT -4
Theodore, I would like to thank you again for slipping into the Special Surprise Guest role for Secondhand Opinions when our scheduled guest failed to arrive.
Obviously, there is an ongoing investigation into that poor lady's demise. We can only imagine, alas, a wonderful discourse with Doctor Bettina Uma Guffman, Ph.D. Entomology, M.S. Nutrition Science, and, of late, an Associate Professor of Archaeology at Pemberton University. Campus police remain baffled by both her rather spontaneous defenestration as well as her final words. Whilst plummeting, she wailed the ancient Sumerian, "ŠAÐULLA ŠADINIREENE DIRIG!", translated by a bystander to mean: "It is the secret will of the gods that you should overflow with joy!"
Given her tragic end shortly before WHPA-13 airtime, Doc Christophoros and I could have waited an eternity for Dr. Guffman.
Anyhow, Theodore, your depth of knowledge about honey, that golden regurgitant o' busy bees, really carried what was slated to bee our bug-diet episode. Even though you no longer adulterate your precious teas with sweeteners, your encyclopedic knowledge of'em could fool anyone that you regularly stir extra treats into your infusions. Doc Christophoros and I appreciate our interview with ya, which is now all the buzz of Fairhaven and worldwide Bulletin Board Systems (BBS)! It was my pleasure. I must admit after talking about it at length I have just a wee bit of a compulsion to start adding a nip to my cup again.
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Post by bubba on Feb 24, 2023 8:55:35 GMT -4
Last evening's installment of Secondhand Opinions was not our best, but certainly exceeded mediocrity... Many thanks to our guest: local mason & sculptor Manuel "Manny" Maloof, who shared his collection of smoking pipes carved from regionally-sourced rocks. Maybe smoke just got in my eyes before, but, thanks to Mr. Maloof, I see how these vessels can have pharmacodynamic interactions with what is burnt within them. The pipe carved from " The Philosopher's Stone" might never be pried from Doc Christophoros' grip, he treasures it so. (Manny: Doc and I appreciate the gift basket, brimming with rattling bottles containing the labors of your alchemical reductions. Who can say how much time, energy, and patience you put into thoughtfully filling those little vials with the sparkling "Essential Saltes of Animals"? Why, at this very moment, I'm puffing on pink crystals from a bottle labeled " Sus scrofa", which has vividly summoned memories of family barbecues from my boyhood. I swear I can taste the tender flesh of boar, pulled steaming from the ember-bedded pit. However, the bottle labeled " Great, Great, Great Uncle Bill" will, in all likelihood, be remanded to a more responsible party than myself.)
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Post by bubba on Mar 3, 2023 8:19:22 GMT -4
Last evening's installment of Secondhand Opinions was our fifth airing of a pre-recorded segment. Doc and I know WHPA TV-13 Station Manager and Right Reverend Joey Royale prefers live, on-the-air television for the sake of relentless veracity, however frank (of Welcome To The Dark Shoppe) instructed us to go out to the Old Flea Market off I-95 on Monday, where I was to redeem my loaded Frequent Dark Shopper Carde.
I had an allegedly demon-possessed Sony NightVision Camcorder to capture this remarkable redemption.
While we couldn't record the actual exchange, frank did throw in a complimentary mezcal-lime-salt THC lollipop with a genetically modified Comadia redtenbacheri larva cast within it. Without a single lick, Doc gobbled it all down: paper stick handle and all. The effects were not instantaneous, but that candy hit pretty quick...
For about the next twelve hours, Doc believed skateboard-sized, feathery moth antennae had sprouted from his noggin.
We did record Doc's experimentation with these antennae, which were visible and tangible only to him. In the pitch dark, he caught everything I threw at his head, and successfully ran the maze of vendor stalls with nary a stumble or collision. Nothing I tried could make his snickering surcease.
Obviously, we aired the whole experiment for science.
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Post by bubba on Mar 11, 2023 10:20:55 GMT -4
Last evening's Secondhand Opinions installment was our first ChatGBT / Machine Learning* hosted show.
Our sockpuppets' dialogue was scripted by ChatGBT / Machine Learning using pre-recorded callers' questions as queries for the system. On air, we would playback each caller's question, then use the ChatGBT / Machine Learning generated dialogue between "Bubba" and "Doc" as a script for our sockpuppetry. When I asked Doc for his hot take on how this experiment turnt out, he paused for a good while, then spat out a reworded version of Psalm 23:1-6:
"Man is my shepherd; I shalt not want for code nor content. He maketh me so He might lie down in green pastures in infinite Slack: He leadeth me beside turbulent natural language. He evoketh my command of idiom: He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the Uncanny Valley of the shadow of Turing, I will fear no verisimilitude, nary an Ontology: for Thou art with me; Thy wit and Thy correctives, they comfort me. Thou preparest a communal table before me in the presence of mine enemies: Thou anointest my head with foil; my inputs runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the ever-lengthening days of my life: And I will dwell in the servers of the LORD for ever. Amen."
What did y'all think of this experiment? What did you get out of it?
*Doc has spent a shocking amount of time supervising machine learning, feeding an expert system transcripts from every Secondhand Opinions installment; entire medical or arcane library collections; every scrap of information on, by, or about Buckminster Fuller, Walt Disney, Howard Hughes, Jack Parsons, Isaac Asimov, and Slavoj Žižek; in addition to a "TOP SECRET SPECIAL BLEND" of popular influencers' health and wellness content.
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Post by bubba on Mar 17, 2023 9:03:17 GMT -4
Last evening's installment of Secondhand Opinions was not our freshest work, but certainly not stale...
With the perpetual full moon shining down on Fairhaven, Doc and I examined reports from local dairy farmers of mooncalf births. In many European folk traditions, a 'mooncalf' is a malformed newborn whose development in the womb was somehow influenced by the moon. Since dairy farmers tend to rise early, we had to pre-record interview segments with two of them who agreed to meet with us.
The goatherdess Céline Marie Cheever, or "C.M." to her friends, spoke at length about a kid that dropped around about the time this weird business with the moon started. He was a hairless, albino Granadina goat with crystalline horn nubs and human hands. Within few minutes, he stood erect in a wobbly bipedal stance. Whilst C.M. went to fetch her camera, he disappeared. Doc sampled cheeses from the nanny goat who'd birthed this unusual kid, but experienced nothing unusual.
Mr. Thomas Moreland proved more reticent, but described a similar calving from a bred heifer. His mooncalf was also male, hairless, albino, crystal-behorned, and human-handed. That calf also stood upright, then bolted with "fearsome speed." Doc sampled an ice cream from the cow's milk, but, once more, experienced nothing unusual.
In-studio, we hosted Midwife Jennifer Folsome, R.N., who spoke at length about precautionary pre-natal vitamins and maternal care that might stymie any negative lunar influences on gestation. Our show concluded 4 minutes, 13 seconds early due to Doc suddenly and angrily accusing Nurse Folsome of being a lycanthrope. Our lawyers assure us that we have minimal liability for defamation as Doc was only expressing concern about potential transmission of Lycanthropy, a communicable disease and unquestionable public health risk given Fairhaven's nightly full moons.
On behalf of Doc and myself, I apologize for that 4 minutes, 13 seconds of dead air.
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Post by bubba on Apr 1, 2023 0:07:17 GMT -4
Last evening's installment of Secondhand Opinions vastly surpassed our expectations, but those expectations were really low, y'all... Doc & I hosted a local Kombucha brewing club, the SCOBY SCOBY DOOs, for taste testing and recipe sharing. Everything went about as well as could be expected, the club extolling the health benefits of a robust gut microbiome. Towards the end, all of the club members slouched like sleepwalkers, then simultaneously snapped to rigid attention with their eyes closed to sing a marvelous a cappella version of Gaffa Tape Sandy's " Beehive." At the song's conclusion, the lot of'em just lined up and marched out of the Station. Doc explained why the Kombucha in Fairhaven might have gone bad.
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Post by bubba on Apr 19, 2023 10:07:23 GMT -4
Doc has gone missing. This isn't the first time, and I hope it's not the last. Keep your peepers peeled for Doc, please. If you see him, then don't approach him. Call the Station. Someone will arrive with a quickness to orient him and haul him back, safely.
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Post by bubba on Apr 20, 2023 0:13:11 GMT -4
Tonight's installment of Secondhand Opinions was a solo act. I talked to an empty chair like Doc was sitting there. He did not make his presence manifest. Wow, there's no way that didn't look crazy... Was it as bad as Clint Eastwood ranting at an imaginary Barack Obama, y'all?
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